Coitus
by AliceAtHeart
Summary: Leonard, Raj and Howard overhear a…spicy… conversation over in 4B between a certain cheesecake goddess and robot. Plot bunny oneshot. R


AN: Another Shenny oneshot, because I'm obsessed!

Category: The Big Bang Theory  
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny  
Genre: Romance  
Disclaimer: I own nothing… Sadly  
Summery: Leonard, Raj and Howard overhear a…spicy… conversation over in 4B between a certain cheesecake goddess and robot.

* * *

Leonard tried to remember why they were standing outside of 4B, but couldn't be bothered, as he was too busy pressing his ear against the door. On the other side, Raj and Howard mimicked him. Whatever the reason they came over, it was forgotten when they caught wind of some compromising noises. Howard held his finger over his lips, no doubt thinking of Sheldon's Vulcan hearing.

_"Sheldon, will you stop being a baby!"_

Penny's voice was clear, drawing the attention of the three males on the opposite side of the closed door.

_"But Penny! Think of the germs!"_

Howard shook his head. Obviously he had jumped to the most scandalous conclusion he could.

_"Oh come on Sheldon!" _She sounded annoyed. _"Here, just put this on."_

They all flinched at the sound of something snapping. Something that sounded a lot like latex.

_"I hardly think that will fit."_ Sheldon sounded between angry and annoyed himself. _"Can't I use something else like…"_

_"No Sheldon. Take it off."_

Raj stood erect, his eyes wide as he made his way back towards 4A, no doubt to use the bathroom. Leonard had to admit, it sounded bad, but he just couldn't believe it…

_"Aren't you worried it's going to hurt?"_

_"No. The first time I did this I was fourteen, and it didn't hurt then."_

Leonard's eyes grew wide as Howard pulled out his phone and hit record.

_"Are you sure it will fit?"_

_"The hole is small, but it'll stretch."_

Howard's grin rivaled the Joker's. Leonard still wasn't sure it was what it sounded like, but if it was, he was for some reason proud of Sheldon. He didn't have romantic feelings for Penny anymore, and has noted on several occasions that she and Sheldon would be a good match.

_"Okay are you ready?"_ Sheldon sounded nervous.

_"Relax Sheldon. Haven't you ever done this before?"_

_"I should hope not!"_

_"Of course you haven't…OUCH! I wasn't ready!"_

Leonard had heard enough. With wide eyes, he dragged Howard back to 4A, pretending he hadn't heard a thing.

* * *

**What really happened**

* * *

"Sheldon, will you stop being a baby!" Penny groaned as she leaned against the counter. He shifted nervously, looking almost outraged.

"But Penny! Think of the germs!" She rolled her eyes and tried not to laugh. What kind of germs could he possibly contract? It was her fault really. She always did this. She had taken her earrings out after work one day and forgot to put them back in. So, Penny once again found that her hole had closed; the back anyway. She would have re-pierced it herself, but she could never be that brave.

"Oh come on Sheldon!" She sounded annoyed. "Here, just put this on." She snapped a pair of gloves in his direction. She had bought a box of them for washing dishes, but Sheldon always beat her to the chores.

"I hardly think that will fit." He held the small glove up to his hand, showing quite a noticeable size difference. "Can't I use something else like…" He looked around her kitchen and smiled as he pulled on her apron. Did he think she was going to spew blood or something?

"No Sheldon. Take it off." She rolled her eyes at the tall physicist in the pink Hello Kitty apron.

"Aren't you worried it's going to hurt?"

"No. The first time I did this I was fourteen, and it didn't hurt then." She remembered hugging one of her Care-Bears as he sister wore the same expression as Sheldon.

"Are you sure it will fit?" Sheldon frowned as he toyed with the small gold earring.

"The hole is small, but it'll stretch." She waved her hand and sat on the counter, reaching eye-level with him.

"Okay are you ready?" He looked worried, and she almost smiled.

"Relax Sheldon. Haven't you ever done this before?" Surly Missy would have subjected him to something like re-piercing her ear.

"I should hope not!"

"Of course you haven't…OUCH! I wasn't ready!" Penny nearly screamed as Sheldon shoved the earring through the semi-closed hole. She only dwelled on the pain a moment before the sound of quick footsteps in the hall drew her attention. "What was that?"

"I suspect Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali were listening outside the door."

"Oh… Does that mean they don't want us to join them for Thai night?" She laughed, understanding how it must have sounded to them. _If only they knew_ - she thought.

"Evidently."

"So what do you want to do?" Penny purred as she kissed the corner of his mouth. Just because they weren't having sex while the guys were listening, didn't mean they weren't having sex. To think, they had been caught by doing something completely innocent.

Sheldon gave her a wide grin as he placed a hand on each hip. "Coitus?"

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